Hello everyone, I hope you all had a great holiday if that is what you celebrate. If not then I hope you had at least a good new year. Honestly, I can say I have had a nice Christmas and New Year. Not normal. But it was nice. I spent a night with my Mum, brother, and his partner playing the horror game – Man of Medan a week before Christmas. I then spent the day at the cinema with my Dad, brother, and his partner to see the new Spider Man film which by the way was excellent. (My partner was with me, I would never just abandon him during this excellent holiday season). And this was before Christmas Eve. This had all been planned to happen before Christmas because of my partner’s brother and wife. They live in Boston. They had originally decided to fly in on Christmas Eve. Which by all accounts wasn’t really the greatest idea given the current UK circumstances. They cancelled last minute. However, I didn’t change my plans with my family. It was a good thing I didn’t because otherwise I wouldn’t have seen either of them at all. My Dad went away on Holiday for three weeks, flying out on Christmas Eve. Lucky bugger. And my Mum tested positive for covid. She was not very well. She has recovered now, but her partner also tested positive just before new years. So, at least I got those days with my parents before anything. On Christmas day we went to go and spend a couple of hours with my partner’s mum which was really nice. I got to say thank you to my partner’s sister because she got us the best tasting meat for our Christmas dinner ever. Then on boxing day went to see my partner’s dad.
Then on new years eve and day we ate treats and take away food. Didn’t really do anything else though in regards to celebrating the event of the new year. The only thing I have done is make some target ideas for myself to self-improve. Now this doesn’t just include my weight, this will include my skills, my mental well-being when it comes to myself view. I have a very low image of myself. I consider myself to be close to worthless. Actually no, not close, I do think I am completely useless, with no value, and I don’t think I deserve anything particularly good for me or exciting when it comes to career or jobs. So, now I am going to make efforts, maybe not to change that point of view because… how would I change that?
I don’t really want to call them new year resolutions. I could start these goals whenever I want. I didn’t necessarily need it to be the new year to start these changes. But the new year is a good point to measure when I started, wherever I get up to, and the results compared to when I started. So, I am calling these goals. Some of these goals are going to be recorded on here. Some of them are a little too private and I don’t want to share those moments with anyone else at all. Sorry guys. But most of my goals will be recorded on here.
This is a general point that covers a few goals. I will have already spoken about this goal. Probably multiple times. Sadly, for you, I am going to briefly touch on this again. I want to improve my Pole and Aerial skills. The only difficult part of this for me is finding a place to practice. A place that I don’t have to consistently allocate at least two hours a day because of equipment set up and set down. As well as being weather dependant because I am training in my back garden. It is really frustrating. I don’t have a room to practice in. There are some things I can work on but the actual moves I need to do otherwise I will never get to the level I want. This is more being held back by circumstance. Which I will figure out before the end of this year. The other part to that is lose weight. The basic of any fitness is losing weight. I have decided not to go off the scales. Instead I am going to try and see the difference… it may take a little longer but this may be a healthier way to do it. With that I will be following a yogi on youtube. And Chloe Ting has updated her website and released a new workout program. Which I will be following.
Which leads into the next goal. Better eating. Healthier eating. This will depend solely on my cooking skills. Which if any of you reading this know me… are just not existent. This is probably because I am a fussy eater. However, I have promised my partner I am just going to force myself through it. To do this we are going to follow Slimming world meals, and once a week I am going to select a different Chloe Ting recipe. I am going to try and make it, and we are going to eat it. Once a week. I am going to do some proper cooking… Chopping onions (blurg).
We already know about my reading goal. One book a week for the year to try and improve my reading. I can tell you I am doing very well. I am still on that. I will talk about the two books this week.
Going to try and complete a chapter a day. This won’t include editing. This is just writing it. Getting that chapter down and done. Editing one chapter a day will come after I have completed the novel. I also want to work on a short story piece which I might allocate a day to on the weekend maybe.
All of this, of course, will have to work around my new job.
My new Job.
Yes, I did it. I believe I got the job. Which is exciting but also terrifying. I have never done this job before, however, I feel that this job is going to be so much better than all of my previous jobs. I also have a sense that I am going to stay in this job. I want to stay in this job, I don’t want to shuffle into another job again. The issues between jobs is just financially crippling.
I do need to do multiple bits of research, and thankfully there will be training. But they also are willing to pay for me to complete an NVQ qualification. I am very excited for this. I haven’t started yet but I believe that might be because the place was closed over Christmas and New Year.
The year 2022 is going to be a better year for me. The year 2022 is going to be a better me forever. Thank you so much for reading. I know this seems like a repeat of every year but I am making conscious efforts to be a better me. I’ll write again soon. Bye!
Hello everyone. Since leaving my previous job and even before leaving it in fact, I had been applying for other jobs. Ones that I was hopeful to get once I had left. Or not long afterwards. However, as with most of the job applications that I complete I receive a notification that I unfortunately was not selected. Or indeed sends me a notification that lets me know that the employer has moved on to the next stage of the recruitment process and it looks like I was not selected this time… Or any time there after.
Rejection after rejection.
Whenever I apply for jobs that don’t look particularly dodgy I get rejected. Every time. The excuse has always been the same. They would apparently choose someone with more experience. More experience? Not to sound a little bit juvenile and whiny but is that the real reason? or is that just a generic message sent to every applicant on mass from a bot to save on time, energy, and money? I’m nearly thirty. I’m not old, but I’m not exactly at that peak prime of life. Also… again not to sound petulant but one of the jobs I had applied for was a trainee job. Experience in that respect should not really be a factor in a trainee application role.
After a while I’m not going to lie the mental state starts to plop to levels below ground. Self-worth becomes sort of questioning. Especially when I consider that the only jobs that took me on were really dodgy customer service roles, and they only took me on because someone else wouldn’t take the job or I looked like someone who would show up. These are pretty crap reasons. I didn’t stand out like they tell you that you need to when searching for jobs. I just happen to be a last option. That stings, just a little bit to the self-esteem. Whatever little self-esteem I had.
Time for another change.
Well, I don’t want to fall into another awful job in which the employer takes advantage of their staff and honestly… there is no real benefit or worth to that job at all. On the other hand I need a job. So, as a result I have made another change. I have decided to apply to be a support worker for young people and children with autism (specially but not only). Terrifying isn’t the only word I would use for this. But, on the plus side, full training is crucial and is given, it is a job that is worth doing, and as awful as this sounds it pays relatively ok. I say ok, because it is over my minimum wage, but not much more. I’m nervous because I don’t have any real experience as a support worker at all. And these are young people that (if I get the job) require me to help them whenever possible. I would be responsible for that young person. I have only really been responsible for my own dogs. And dogs can be pretty basic once you’ve made sure that they won’t bite people. Feed them, walk them, give them cuddles, and then they sleep. This will be completely different. I am just more concerned with doing something wrong.
Tomorrow morning is the interview day. I am actually quite nervous because most of the interviews have been quite informal. This one is going to be official. To prepare I’m doing and going to continue to do research on everything and anything that I can find for this job. Wish me luck?
It is getting delightedly closer to Christmas. In light of this, if you’d be interested in getting your loved ones a special book for this seasonal holiday then please check out the link below it would help me out a lot.
I feel as if today’s post is not only late but quite short. I thought I had a little more to say about last week… I probably do but I am only concentrating on one aspect. The aspect that is currently at the forefront of my brain. Thank you so much for reading. Write again soon. Bye!
Hello everyone! I realise that I am probably doing this at an awkward time since everyone on the Northern side of the equator are all heading into the winter months. And typically for some people (not everyone, trying to be culturally aware) the winter months are for Christmas. The Merry season of Christmas. It is this time that most people will let themselves go. Freely run into all of their cheat meals and treats for the holidays. Now I know where you are all probably thinking this is going but I am going to tell you… You’re wrong. No this is not a challenge to remain good diet wise. Nope. I am going to limit my TV screen time!
Now, I’m going to clarify what I mean. Recently, actually no, I’m lying to myself again. I noticed this a while ago. But I couldn’t sit at my laptop and trying to “write” without something happening in the background. Then my brain would phase out, my eyes would drift up above my laptop screen, and stare quite mindlessly at whatever I may have thrown onto Netflix at the time. I have watched a lot. A lot. I have watched the Equalizer multiple times because of my growing need to watch people who deserve to be punished actually get punished even though I know it only exists fictionally. I have finished watching Sex Life which I could have predicted how it was going to end and honestly… I found so many things dislikeable about it but I finished it anyway. I watched Little Women (2019) multiple times. Something I should probably read rather than watch but I have watched it a couple of times since. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society… What a name… The GL Triple P Society. So many times I could literally write an awful lot of the script beat for beat on here without having to look at it. I watched Jane Eyre which I’m not sure I like… Oh god I know Blasphemy!
Basically, long story short! I have watched so much Netflix, Prime, and Disney+ that I am now looking at all of these platform listings thinking – There is nothing left to watch… – Which isn’t true but I’m running out of the things that really catch my interest. Sadly though, this wasn’t what sparked this need to stop my weird watching addiction. It wasn’t even the fact that I was watching so mindlessly that all I wanted to do was just be mindless and I was finding that I was making the excuse of being tired when really I just didn’t want to think or make an effort for anything. Except pressing a button on my remote. It got so bad that I was even stalling until the last second to go the toilet. I would be practically bouncing until I eventually actually go. Then there is the eating. I have been microwaving two minute rice packets to eat. Just to have a quick meal… then get back to being nothing on the couch.
This is not to say that everyone who scrolls through Netflix, or Prime, or Disney+ is nothing. If this is a hobby you like to do with your family, your friends, or just for you that is fine. No judgement at all. But for me, I was starting to really dislike myself more so than I already do. I would sit on the couch with my laptop on my lap and maybe… MAYBE… write one or two sentences in the whole entire day. What? What the fuck me? I could have finished this project that I am working on ages ago, but me being possible a mix of just plain lazy or something else I haven’t finished it at all. And that isn’t ok. Not for me.
What first struck me to think about this weird none productive habit was when I was watching the Equalizer for the millionth time. The main character likes to say a particular line to the other characters that he is trying to help improve themselves. “Mind, Body, Spirit”. Now I know this isn’t something new, but when he was talking to other characters with that in mind it made me think about myself. Why did I feel like I couldn’t do something without that noise in the background? Or why did I turn on the TV as soon as I got home from the gym or from walking the dogs? How did I get to the point that I wasn’t even thinking about it, I was just turning it on without even considering what it was I wanted to watch?
Then I found that Netflix had added Little Women. Jo March was so dedicated to being a writer that that was all she did and she didn’t watch TV. They didn’t have a television back then. A thought occurred to me that I wanted to be like that. There was also Jane Eyre. I didn’t like Jane Eyre. But there are people who love it. Loved it when it was first published and still love it to this day. I am not vein enough to believe that I could be as good a writer as any of the Bronte Sisters. Or Jane Austen. But I realised that I had never read them. I had never read any of the classics. None. But I love reading. This is what has brought me to the conclusion that I really need to change the lifestyle I have all together, not just in my diet, or exercise regiment. But in how I choose to spend my time.
Limit, not cut out.
Now, because we are closing in on Christmas a lot of the time when my partner and I want to spend an evening together doing the same thing, eating food, and just being with each other. We spend quite a bit of time watching Christmas films leading up to Christmas day. That’s fine, I am prepared for that. It is why I stated that I would be limiting my TV time rather than just cutting it out completely. I would like to limit it to the times that I am eating or with my partner or when a friend visits. Otherwise, I’ll be reading, writing, or exercising in whatever way I happen to be trying out at the time. This will help with my challenge of reading a book a week.
Before I close this post off I am going to leave this here. It is just my own affiliate link to Waterstones. If you’ve been thinking of buying any books please click the link below it would help me out a lot. Thank you.
Anyway, that is my next challenge. I don’t really know if this will change my life all that much. But I am sure to find out later this week. Thank you so much for reading. Write again soon. Bye!
I appear to have developed a cynical outlook on most aspects of every day life. Of people. Of work. Of myself. The negativity doesn’t seem to be ending or getting any better. And I want to talk about it. I feel like I need to talk to all of you about it because I think this is what has led me to refresh my blog. I feel like a complete and total mess, and I appear to be getting worse. Bad things keep happening. Bad people keep happening.
Constant Tongue Biting.
I have had multiple jobs this year. And let me tell you. They have all been god awful. The government sold a horrendous idea to the UK, clapped their hands together to congratulate themselves on another successful trick pulled off, and now people are taking advantage of this idea. That horrendous idea has a name. Zero hour contracts. No worker/employee rights and the employers are loving it. Want to know how? They snap their fingers and if the employee or worker doesn’t jump to that snap of the fingers that’s it, no job. Oh no, but wait they do not directly fire you. Oh no, that is the legal part of it. They just simply keep you on the books and just cut your shifts until you have so little or none that you are forced to leave by yourself.
Now, I was working in a new shop in Leyland. It is roughly just under two months open. Tuesday was supposed to be my payday. When I messaged the group asking what time we were to expect it into our accounts, would you like to know what that employer’s response was? You can probably guess. Here it is –
Hopefully tonight or tomorrow. Thanks
That is all he said on it. Well I have two things in mind that I would like to say about this one sentence. “Hopefully” should never be in a sentence when talking about pay. And tomorrow is not payday. The second one I would like to reply to him with. I am angry and annoyed. He had a discussion with me about trust the other day because of a mistake I had made. I really want to spit in his face and tell him that trust goes both ways. However, because I know that this man is a nasty man and if he feels so inclined will withhold my pay if he deems it necessary that my tongue is bitten down so hard.
This isn’t the only time I have had to bite my tongue over in order to make sure that my pay doesn’t just disappear. But this is a pretty good fresh example. And I am exhausted. Right now, I am being careful not to outright mention the name of this particular business. Even though I could rip it to shreds right now with the practices of this employer.
I’m a nice person.
I’m a nice person. I consider other peoples feelings when I say something. Usually if I say something awful to or about someone or something it has to get to the point in which I just can’t deal with it anymore. I know from talking to my manager that some religions believe that when you do bad things that bad things will happen to you in return. I am unfortunately here to tell you that if you believe this… I’m sorry but that just isn’t right. Bad things happen to good people. Bad people take advantage of good people. And that is how the world is functioning because only bad people are in power right now. You want to know why?
Bad people, do anything and everything to get on top. So, when they come across a nice person, or a good person. They are probably standing there calculating their epic fortune because being good apparently means taking the high road. There is nothing on that high road. Nothing. Actually, they call it the high road and being the bigger person to help people like us to continue to be a good or nice person. Even when we have achieved absolutely nothing.
Sometimes I wish I was Denzel Washington from the Equalizer films Robert McCall. Only I would target employers who exploit the good graces of their employees. Because I have had enough.
Being laughed at or waved off.
I approached this very same employer regarding the contract that he brought in one day for us all to sign. Well at first glance I could tell that this was a bad contract if I ever saw one. There was nothing specific to the job role. There was nothing about how much we were going to be paid. For the job role it stated that we had all been hired as shop assistants and if necessary we were expected to take on extra responsibilities. No holiday pay. No sick pay. No pension. No benefits at all to this job. Actually, to add to that he didn’t even mention pay on that very contract. He wanted to claim ownership rights over all and anything we make while in his employment. Nothing specific, just all of it. There was no disciplinary policies, it was just a list of conditions that would get you fired without notice. One of them was ‘failure to follow an instruction given by your superior’. I don’t know about you, but I know if there was something horrendously dangerous and I decided I wasn’t going to do it. Like… Let’s say for example try and clean a machine that is over 200 degrees hot. I am fired without notice because I failed to follow an instruction…
I messaged this employer asking to talk about it. I had read it and wanted to discuss it on the Friday that I was next in. He had not expected me to read it. When the manager asked him what that meant he responded with ‘I don’t know, I have read it and it’s not bad I don’t know why she is making so much fuss over it’. I am making a fuss you arsehole because this is a working contract. This is him asking me to sign any rights I have as a worker away to him. Who in their right mind would do that without reading or discussing the contract if they don’t feel comfortable with it? Young people… that is who. He stated that the young girls in Lancaster had already signed it. He also stated to the manager after I brought up that I wanted to discuss it that he would fire anyone that didn’t sign it.
Late Payment outcome.
I am going to continue my story regarding the late payment because more happened after his reply ‘Hopefully tonight or tomorrow, thanks’ message. We weren’t paid on the Tuesday. He made no mention of it what so ever actually. I had to bring it up. Multiple times. The first was Wednesday morning. I had woken up, my phone had died Tuesday night before my shift had finished so I was greeted with multiple messages from the owner of the shop with requests for how many products there was left in the shop. I answered him, with a message of the list and a reminder that I had checked my account and we still had not been paid yet. He simply stated that it ‘should’ be in that day. Should? That is also a horrendous word to use with regards to pay. It should have been paid the previous day.
I was not about to trust his word on that.
So, I waited. I kept in contact with the other girls that work in the shop and they let me know if they had been paid or not as well. The same as me, they had not. The disgusting thing about this whole entire scenario is that he still expected and demanded that we continue to work as normal. Now, I had to open the shop that day, I was due to work on my own for the whole day, and then lock up at night once the shop was closed. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to take this treatment and continue as if I wasn’t angry, as if not being paid was acceptable. The owner called me when I was supposed to be at the shop asking if I was opening up. I told him I will go in, once the money is in my account. He was like it’ll be in by tonight. I told him his word was no guarantee. Obviously, he took offence to this, and he kept trying to sell me some excuse of a story as to why the payment was late. He also stated that he would make sure that I was sorted first. I held my ground and said I will go in, once that money is in my account. He turned after that – ‘I’ll just get someone else in then’. Fine, I told him fine, that wasn’t about to change my point.
Time is not free, and time is something that once gone is gone. You don’t get it back. He can make as many food products over and over, he can’t make time. And I wasn’t about to give him another minute of mine until I was paid for the time I had already given him. Would you believe me if I told you that after that declaration of finding someone else, he was messaging the girls asking them to come in, and messaging the manager that he was going to cut my hours and force me out so that I would leave on my own. The girls told him that they couldn’t go in. Would you now also believe me when I say that that money turned up in my account thirty minutes later?
Oh yes, he got that money into my account quite quickly when he realised that he didn’t have anyone to go in instead of me. The Only issue now was that he hadn’t paid me what we had agreed. I was assistant manager. I had a set of keys I was opening up, closing the shop, and I was doing complete shifts by myself. It wasn’t like that I was just a shop assistant asking for a raise, I was doing all of the same jobs as the manager was doing and yet I was getting my minimum wage. Excuse me?
The owner called me afterwards and asked me if I was going in. I told him yes, but I had still been paid minimum wage. This wasn’t what we had agreed. He goes… Oh, I know. Then he kept trying to throw excuses at me about it. While in my head there were two words bouncing around; Unreliable, Liar. Well, never mind, I had agreed that I would go in once the money was in my account. I went in.
This story ends as you could probably guess. And by the fact that I have labelled this section of this post as what happens. I resigned. I went in to do my last shift. Understanding full well that I was not going to be paid for this shift. When the owner called me for the last time I told him that once I closed up that was it, I’ll post the key through the door and I’m not coming back. He told me that I couldn’t do that, when I told him I disagreed, his later response after trying to make out that my reason for leaving were silly, that he wasn’t someone that was going to beg. Well… I shouldn’t have had to beg for my wages… Plus, I already knew at that point that he had been contacting the manager to begin cutting my hours until I am forced to leave anyway. He was only upset at this moment because he did not have control over when I was leaving. Which he denied by the way. But, of course he would. He likes to fool young girls under the age of eighteen that he is a nice employer. (Creepy, yes I know).
This sort of thing is happening constantly. Not specifically just to me, but I could literally predict all of these scenarios whenever I get into a zero hour contract job like the ones I have had so far. Each time this kind of crappy treatment happens a little piece of me just grows darker and darker. Right now, I would love for that owner’s business to just fail. I think he deserves that much. However, I know that that thought has multiple things wrong with it. 1. Most people would tell me that that is not a very nice though to have. 2. It probably won’t happen anyway because bad things generally don’t happen to bad people. These are the two main points that are wrong with this thought and because of those two main points my mood becomes darker. Resentment is the result of all of this foulness. I don’t want to be that person.
I can’t help it though. I can’t control other people, like in the sims, and unfortunately these horrible people are everywhere. There is no escaping them.
Which is why the cynical outlook is starting to take over my life. Zero hour contracts are god awful and should have never graced the UK. However, they had graced us with their miserable presence and unfortunately are here to stay because as far as our government is concerned they did a great job. Both thumbs sarcastically thrown up with the most pissed off smile a human can produce. Yay!
I am hoping to fight this negative outlook. I am going to try to bring myself back to myself. I was never particularly positive about myself or my prospects but I was at least a little less like ‘people like that business owner should have been culled at birth’. I don’t really know how to fight this feeling. While the drama of the above story was happening what I really wanted to do was scream at the bastard and tell him how horrible of a scum he was. I wanted to do it so badly that it felt like it was bursting at the seams of my body. I couldn’t calm down. The only thing that stopped me from doing that was my partner, who was a very unwelcome voice of reason. But I am going to start with looking after myself. Maybe taking a five minute break every day to just sit in silence and breathe. Not really meditation, but just to give myself five minutes before I face the world. I don’t know. All I know is… it is going to be a hard fight, and a long healing process before I come back to my not so wishing for murder mindset.
Thank you so much for reading. I apologise that it became more of a rant about my crappy employer than it was anything particularly productive. As you can probably see, I have cleared my blog of all of my previous posts. I am in the middle of resetting it. New categories. New tags. New posts. More specific. Neater. I can’t promise that it will stay that way but it is a start. Hope you all have a lovely week. I will write again soon! Bye!
Before I go for the day I wanted to add this to my post. I haven’t really read anything lately, but I plan to get back into it tonight once I have returned from teaching my pole and aerial classes. At the moment, I am not reading anything particularly festive, I am reading ‘Incendiary’ by Zoraida Cordova which I am enjoying. However, if a festive read is what you are looking for then Waterstones has a large variety designed for all ages to enjoy. Following the link below would help me out greatly. Thank you!